boys, girls & understanding what's between

James & I, Rome 2008

i think i can count on one hand the number of dates i had and a total of '0' long term boyfriends before meeting james. growing up i never talked to boys much cause i always thought they wouldn't be interested in what i had to say or who i was. i never pictured myself in a white dress like most girls do or even pictured myself as a mum. never went to any school dances, my first date wasn't until my mid 20's & my first kiss much later than that.

so i guess you could say i was a bit slow on catching the boat when it comes to trying to understand the whole boys & girls thing. james is my first real boyfriend and i went from pretty limited experience with boys to being in a pretty serious long term relationship across the ocean. i think we both needed each other & were lonely & we both happened to fill the gap at the time. but talk about adjustment--heck you could say its been a bit stressful at times. we've played a lot of catch up emotionally & gone through more in 8 years than most have gone through in 25 years worth of marraige. we're best friends & we've had so much fun over the years. james completely changed me & i'm glad that he came into my life when he did as i don't know what my life would be without these experiences here in london with him.

its just lots of doubts coming into my mind as i don't know if i'll ever understand boys or ever be good at relationships. i think its difficult anyway to live with anyone but a member of the opposite sex can be like trying to figure out how to put together a playpen from ikea with instructions in japanese. i struggle to keep my patience, to love no matter what & to forgive when mistakes are made especially ones that hurt him & me so much physically & emotionally. i want to be compassionate & make him feel like he's the only person in the room. i really doubt if i'm capable of a relationship sometimes but then i try to think about what my life would be without him and i just get weepy. surely it means something that we've got such an amazing friendship?? i can't just let all of that go because i'm doubting myself or scared can i? i dont know maybe i'm just weepy cause i don't want that feeling of emptiness if he wasn't in my life. i just don't know.

lots & lots of emotions recently swirling round our place & i'm just really unsettled because of it. i wish i could just make every day peachy when it comes to our relationship but i know that things like this are just hard work. i know he's worth all of this effort, but i just wish i didn't doubt that everything will be ok. i just gotta take one day at a time, focus on what i can do, remind myself of all the positive things & hope that everything will start becoming clearer. easier said than done though & i just wish things weren't so seriously complicated!!


sherrie said...

keep hanging on! if it's what you really want then it's worth fighting for ;)

Rebecca said...

Oh man, what you're feeling is so normal. Especially when times get stressful - negative energy takes advantage.

Meditate, do some yoga and make sure you communicate and share your feelings openly and honestly.

Measure out the bad vs the good and as long as there is MORE good than bad - everything will be fine. :)

christine said...

thanks guys :)