10.9.08

frustrated

frustrated with doctors who don't seem to listen
with not knowing what's going on in my own body
with no answers after TWO YEARS
that i have no energy anymore
with the fact that i'm in pain in places that shouldn't hurt & i want it to stop
that the doctors are even starting to suggest that its 'in my head'
for horrid periods that last two very long weeks & that make me throw up
for abdominal pain that puts me into the E.R.
for the strong possibility that i may never have children
for the possibility i may have to have a hysterectomy
for feeling like i'm going to have to live like this forever

frustrated with how hopeless i'm feeling at the moment
how its a fight to get out of bed everyday
to stay positive, to focus on my many many blessings
to remember the good in james
with how i look & how much of a struggle it is to eat well & exercise everyday
with the fact i still need to loose 40 lbs after working my ass off to loose 40.
with my clothes.

frustrated with politics & stupid people
with trying to understand what good can ever come from a McCain/Palin ticket
with horrible press, horrible lies and an election season that won't end
with trying after 8 years to understand again---McCain? Palin? why?
for people that don't bother to look up obama's record & accomplishments on google
who say that he's an empty suit
for people that question your intellect if you support obama
for making this into an episode of days of our lives instead of remembering that people are loosing jobs & their homes.

frustrated with my relationship
how we seem to be arguing more and more
how we just don't have the money to get married
how james has drunk more than he should in the past
how in the past i've had to go to the e.r. because he's drunk an entire bottle of wine in 15 minutes
how we're the best of friends, but how we still struggle to talk sometimes
how i wish i felt more confident around men
how i wish i felt like i deserved james

frustrated with my career
how in 7 1/2 years of living here i've never had a permanent job
how i've been unemployed for two years
how i can't even seem to get work experience or volunteer opportunities
with applying for more than 250 jobs---all rejections
with having to depend on james for money
with not having any financial independence
not having the cash to visit my family in america
with the fact that i've only been home twice since i've been here
how i've never met my sister- in- law or my new niece

frustrated with the fact i struggle at making friends
how even in the blogging world, hardly anyone wants to know about or be in my life
with fitting in, feeling like i belong
with how big london is and how bloody hard it is to make friends here
with how when you do find decent people they either have kids or all they want to do is get wasted in clubs

frustrated with my life at the moment
with the fact i'm 32 and i'm unhappy where its going
with the fact that i'm in the best city in the world and i still can't relax
with the fear that i'm going to wake up and my life will be over



frustrated about everything



but


will dust myself off,

put a smile on my face




take a deep breath




& start a new day




tomorrow....

4 comments:

Carolyn said...

(((hugs)))

Just know that you're not alone in this.

Lori Ann said...

You have reason to be frustrated and I admire your ability to keep trying to be positive. I don't think that your intellect is in question for supporting Obama. He offers a lot of good things. I'm astounded that McCain is trying to push that he is different from Bush because his politics are a lot the same and I don't want more of what we've had; and I could go on and on, but just know that there are people out there who agree with you.

Joanne Brown said...

I know you don't know me, but I hope you don't mine me commenting on your blog. I've been lurking and reading for a little while know and it saddened me to read this post. I understand some of what you write. I went to university in the US and was away from my family for 4 years. I live in the north of England and if I lived closer I'm sure we could be friends. I have 2 kids and am looking to go back to work but have had no luck yet. It's really frustrating isn't it when no one else can see how much you have to offer!! If you ever want to chat you can always contact me :) I know this comment is a bit jumbled!! Joanne x

sterfryiv said...

Hey Christine, for what it's worth, I always enjoy your posts, and I think you have an amazing life.

You've done a lot of the things most of us only dream of, and you don't just visit these places, you get to truly experience them with someone you love.

That's what I want to do.

Most of us don't have the guts to just up and move to a foreign country, let alone stay there for so long.

Whenever the day comes that your life does flash before your eyes, think of what great images you'll see! It won't be Walmart, or gross strip malls, or your old job in a cubicle!

It will be Notre Dame! It will be the Vatican! It will be Egypt! It will be gray days in London!

I'm jealous, and I have been for a long time, and that's why I follow your blog; because you take amazing pictures and recount wonderful descriptions that give me hope that someday I'll be able to see those places too.