5.1.09

new year confessions

ok, i'm going to put myself out here for a bit. any true change you must admit you've got a problem first so i figured it might push me in the right positive direction of 'improvement' if i held myself accountable and published here. i'm not really a fan of disclosing absolutely everything of my intimate personal details though so my apologies if some points don't go into as much detail as you'd like. {hard enough writing what i did} anyway, here goes:

  • i've got an eating disorder. no, its not anorexia/bulimia but food addiction. i find it difficult to not emotionally/comfort eat & i am particularly drawn to sugar. my weight has always been an issue (up & down) and for the rest of my life i will constantly have to remind myself to exercise regularly & to eat well. educating myself on nutrition/the body has helped and i've managed to loose about 10 inches from my waist after a lot of hard work. i've got another 5 inches to go before i'm out of the 'danger zone'.

  • i struggle with relationships. i don't know what it is but people have never flocked to be my friend. maybe they feel that i'm too much work, don't increase their social standing, no fun or that i'll depress the hell out of them emotionally. when i do make friends---i tend to frequently think in the back of my head, "are they doing this cause they feel sorry for me?". who knows---over the years i've stopped worrying about it as much as i used to {i used to be consumed with this}. some days it still bugs me though & i'll have an overwhelming palpable taste of loneliness all over.

  • i'm afraid of commitment. there james i said it. yes we haven't had the money to marry but in all honesty its more because i'm afraid of screwing up & failing. i don't want to wreck my relationship or complicate things & part of me frankly doesn't see the point of getting married as well. poor james has stuck with me despite numerous episodes of me threatening to leave, breaking up with him and even most recently calling off engagements in an effort to work on our friendship.
  • my self-esteem sucks. i've known this for a while but it wasn't until i started going to counselling to deal with the emotional stress of my health problems that i realized how bad it was. along with jane eyre, i've been recently reading, 'the road less travelled' and in it it mentions obviously that your childhood affects your opinion of yourself, but one particular passage that hit me said, 'you spend your time/attention on things that you love'. i don't love myself enough and i have no doubt that if i work on this that other things may fall in place too.
  • i think too much. i need to relax and enjoy the moment and stop thinking about things i need to do later on in the day or everything else under the sun. if it don't i'll wake up one day and my entire life will have passed before my eyes. true joy is in the present moment.
with this said--i see its snowing outside. i'm off to play & catch some snowflakes on my tongue.

1 comment:

Lori Ann said...

I'm astounded by your bravery to put yourself out there. I think that many of us struggle with similar things, but we just don't voice it because we're scared. Congrats on your ability to take care of your body despite it wanting things that aren't the best for it. Why is it that sugar and crap food tastes so good? The holidays are a particularly difficult time. Love yourself girl, you are worth it!