i've been talking to a lot of people the last few days about 'things' and reasons things have happened the way they have and its left me feeling rather conflicted on the inside.
i tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. you automatically know what i'm feeling whether it be good or bad. i could not say a single thing and you'd know that on the inside i was feeling like a confused 5 year old wanting to know why people won't play with me on the playground. on a positive note this characteristic is good in that i'm as genuine as you can get---i don't put on a show for anyone. i think honesty is refreshing especially in this day in age. half the time i have a hard time trusting what people say now in any setting because i don't know if its 'the truth' or what they want me to hear.
the bad is that people dont' know how to react to me. they tend to be drawn into my world very quickly and it can be overwhelming. not that i'm way out there but people have their own 'life drama' and when they meet others they don't want to carry others along with them. in a way i wish we could all be open because maybe life wouldn't be so hard if occasionally we helped carry each other?
however---i'm learning that i'm going to have to pull back myself a bit---not share my world so much, keep some things private. particularly living in England where they keep feelings to themselves---i just don't think my american 'open-ness' will always be welcomed with the open arms i wish. not that its necessarily bad, but just that not everyone is ready for it. its amazing how people can read into your actions unintentionally too--thinking you said things you didn't, thinking you are coming across negative or just plain taking it wrong when your intention was far from this end result.
i guess, what im conflicted about is finding a balance with this--online, in person, etc, etc. i don't want to be fake when i interract with others but i don't what to be so open/genuine that i make others freak out and in someway feel uncomfortable. i want a 'middle ground' where i'm still true to myself but i make everyone i meet feel on top of the world.
of course i've been thinking too much about everything and potential solutions for this like i always do. i really am desperate to improve and to grow. anyway one solution is--james and i have briefly mentioned the thought about acting/voice/public speaking lessons. we thought it may help hide the fact that we feel like a big blob of goo on the inside when crucial moments matter. charisma is everything and being able to 'act' like you're confident and relaxed when in reality you're not as well as making people feel like they are the only one in the room are skills we are really wanting to improve.
well, we've already started practicing on check-out girls, book store attendants, smiling at strangers on the street, police officers, people phoning us selling phone plans, homeless guys and of course each other. practice makes perfect and who better than the little people we meet each day.
any thoughts on this my dear blog readers??