fear and loathing in london

i got another job rejection today. i've lost count after about 100 and its the same old feedback--"you did nothing wrong--its about that right fit with personalities", "we feel like your temperament/personality wouldn't fit with the team"---yada yada. of course i've been angry initially with this cause being human you get tired of sooooooo much rejection after a while. plus i feel like i'm beating my head against the wall because its like how do you 'not' take a teeny bit of this personally especially after 8 years of countless rejection. how do you fix the problem, so that immediately when you walk in the room they know that you'll fit? you do and you don't to an extent i guess.

i've been thinking about things a lot (as usual) and i think a good portion is just frankly out of my control. i can't help if people will like me or whether my personality will be the same as others that are ALREADY there. its like an ultimate speed dating exercise--you gotta find that perfect Mr Right that aint gonna snore or leave the toilet seat up late at night if you know what i mean. jobs are no different and who knows what 'perfect fit' job will be around the corner for me.

on the other hand---there is stuff i can fix that i've been kicking my heels up with. i can stop being so damn afraid of life. i grew up only knowing fear so no wonder it permeates everything in my life now. but, i have let fear rule everything i do to the point i'm not living anymore. the excess weight that just won't come off, the inability to make friends easily are all a facade for trying desperately to protect myself from pain. i've dealt with more pain than one should in my short life and i guess i've built up a resistance to it everytime it comes. i loathe it, it makes me angry why i should have it more than some. i've turned bitter a bit because i feel like why should i be the 'one' to have pain? the truth of the matter is---pain and fear are essential with life in order to feel true palpable joy. the minute i give up this fear of pain, things will start flowing my way.

getting rid of the fear (or at least feeling the fear and doing it anyway) will show up in the way i carry myself, the way i dress, the way i interract, the way-i-do-interviews.

i think also knowing that i'm not 'defined' by any of these things. although these things help shape us--i am not defined by my job or whether i have kids, a house or whether i can dress well. all things are translucent in the grand scheme of things. i am who i am and i'm important whether i'm unemployed or worth a billion in monetary terms.

i know that my external world is a reflection of my inner world and until i stop with letting the fear consume me, realize i'm worth it, stop trying so hard and just 'be'--i will have another 200 rejections. Its like what maya angelou says, "success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it." Oprah said as well to ask ourselves, " How can I help somebody else get to a stronger and better place, because that is success. That’s it. That’s why we’re all alive, to use ourselves, our lives, for something bigger than ourselves."

i guarantee that this won't be the last post you hear about the exact same issues. its a day to day thing and its about the journey isn't it? we never learn from our successes, its the failures that shape us right?

i want to leave you with this poem:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

-Maya Angelou

1 comment:

Obama London said...

I do love that poem.

Sorry you're having a rough time of it. ;)

All the things you say here are true, attitude makes such a difference.

If you don't mind my saying, it sounds to me like maybe you feel a little self-conscious in interviews, a little hyper aware of and nervous about how people see you. That's totally normal in interviews, and especially if you've been struggling for a bit. I've been there.

Sometimes it helps me to remind myself that everyone is a little self-conscious. You can play a little game where you try to figure out what the person you're meeting with might be self-conscious or worried about. Without letting them know that's what you're doing, ask questions that might help to reveal what their issues are. That sometimes takes your mind away from feeling nervous, and it flatters the person interviewing you because everyone likes having attention paid to them.