24.10.09

Be Gentle

Ok, so I've been fighting serious depression the last few weeks. My trip in Sept. gave me a huge glimpse of what joy could be in my life on a daily basis and I got frustrated because when I came back I found my life issues more than overwhelming. The joy then left and I hated myself because 1. People who just went on life-changing trips shouldn't be this depressed so quickly after and 2. I'm afraid of what people think and that if I say what's really going on in my life they'll leave me (people tend to flee from me for some reason I'm afraid). I know this doesn't sound rational but its what's been happening in the little head of mine.

The last couple of weeks I've had little spurts of being ok, but then panic and feeling overwhelemed followed by shutting down where I've downed an entire box of cookies and hid under the duvet because I've just felt like I couldn't cope with another hour.

I've struggled with depression on and off my whole life but I've found England a pretty difficult country to have it in. The Brits don't like it when people show emotion, they get uncomfortable. Heaven forbid you mention you're a teeny bit depressed as its like putting a big scarlet D on your chest. They don't mean to be this way, but repressing feelings I think is hard wired in their system. I think its the whole stiff upper lip thing. Maybe that's why they drink so much too...this and the lack of sunshine between the months of September-March.

Well anyway I'm writing this HERE to convince myself that this is ok for me right now. I gotta try to bloom where I'm planted and start in the present moment...accept that, embrace it and then S-L-O-W-L-Y move in baby steps forward. My biggest challenge will be to allow myself mistakes and not even think about trying to get through the day...but just get through the next 5, 10, 15 minutes first. Being gentle with me, find fun things that bring me joy and celebrate those little moments and of course laugh more.

Anyone who has ever dealt with depression knows that the above is easier said than done...but its ok. One step at time. Can't wait to think of what kind of person I'll be on the other end of this though....I'll be one tough cookie eh?

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