1.12.09

Confused

Dear Diary

If you could bottle up 'confusion' and put a big pretty label on it and sell it, I think I'd have the market cornered and be a very very rich woman. My confusion about how to fix my situation with my career, 'my finances'--(james is fine, I'm not), my relationship with an early recovering alcoholic, my uncertainty about London, my weight and food addiction issues and my overall future is darn palpable. I have spent nearly every waking moment for I don't know how long trying to 'fix' things. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying to just begin my life when everyone else has already started it. I feel left out and angry because of it.

But lately I'm beginning to realize that I'm really missing out on the 'present' moment with all my worrying about the future that frankly isn't here yet. I HAVE started a life, a great one. Sure not everything has worked out the way I want, but its ok. So, I'm unique I guess....I'd rather be unique than 'cookie cutter'.

Not everything can be in my timeline. There's a huge universe out there that knows things that I don't know that will be coming my way. With a universe that's created everything in such fine balance and purpose, there's no chance that I was left out of the ole' organizational loop. Its comforting to know that its ok to give up a bit of the control over my life. Sure, I do the best I can every day, but the universe is destined to pick up where I can't go anymore.

So, I know this is easier said than done. But I think today I'm one step closer to trusting that even if I feel like I'm going to fall off a cliff right now, that things are going to be ok. There's something out there that's got my back and e-v-e-r-y-th-in-g is gonna be ok.



christine xoxoxoxo


P.S. (Isn't 'Everything gonna be ok' a Bob marley song???, if its not this is the perfect reggae song don't you think?)

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