29.9.09

My Trip: thoughts + photos


"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
-Marcel Proust


I had planned on writing several lengthy blog entries when I got back detailing my every move during the week and life changing 'aha' moments. But after thinking about it, the things that happened during the week which seemed like endless little miracles were way too special and they were meant just for ME. I will only say this about my trip and when I do I'm not being overly dramatic because this was exactly what it brought me: a heart bursting full of pure gratitude and joy. I've never felt so re-connected, whole and better able to cope with the huge stresses/pain in my life after only a week. I am thankful and in awe how every little piece fell into place for me to get there and how guided I was every step of the way by the universe/god. I was told there that this place would change my life. I really believe them and I know it already has changed me in so many ways. I know that the high from this week will go eventually, but its ok...I'm open to whatever happens to me and I'm just going to take it all one step at a time.

A few images from my trip:


learning about myself from working w/horses



pushing my boundaries--ALOT




more pictures will be on my flickr later this week.

updated: Please check here for new photos

18.9.09

I'm off!!

I'm off to my Healing Trip Monday so will be signing off for a week or so....Lots of fears and anxiety for some reason with me going. I'm hoping though that it will give me a good start to figuring out myself and much needed soul nourishment. That said, I'm afraid some will judge me if I tell you exactly where I'm going because of our money/employment situation. Some may figure it out when I start posting or know already. All I'll say on this is that the universe really took care of us and wants me to go to this place and made this seriously happen in ways that were down right miraculous. We are not being affected in a negative way for this trip at all. I don't know how it happened, but I'm going and it makes me scared in a way because if the universe wants me to go to this place this badly....its gonna be life changing. Anyway, I have a feeling that there's going to be a lot to blog about when I return and pictures to share. In the mean time.....these are a few not so obvious pictures of the place I'm off to. I didn't take them and I wont give you a link because then you'll know where it is...but they are all from the same photographer on Flickr. If you really want to know the photographer I'll e-mail you the link, but not without being sworn to secrecy first. Anyway, this is where i'm going:

See you all in a week or so!!

17.9.09

toast catalogue: autumn

oh my heck i got a welcome surprise in the post the other day....the autumn catalogue of toast. considering james is still gone and i'm trying to save money by not leaving the house very much this week in lieu of my big trip coming up....sadly catalogues are a huge source of entertainment at the moment.

every picture is like this completely artistic perfectly set up photo...who cares about the products I'll scorough the pages for hours just to admire the creativity:


pictures from toast.co.uk

11.9.09

Listening for Life Lessons

I find it funny how when the universe REALLY wants you to learn certain things it avoids the subtle approach and pretty much smacks you side of the head. Well that's been happening to me a lot this week, full head on 'You need to hear this whether you want to or not' life lessons and all. Lucky for me I had decided to pull my fingers out of my ears and listen otherwise I would have seriously missed out on some amazing little whispers.

First up...Relationships.. This week in my Mondo Beyondo class a discussion was started on relationship trouble (hello good timing?). It was so nice to know I'm not the only one ever that has had troubles like this. The discussion shared this great article and one contributor in particular made a comment that resonated with me greatly-

"I have learned in my own life that often when I feel most unhappy in my {relationship}, I am probably feeling pretty much the same about and within myself; thus, when I began to be noticing everything he does that makes me nuts and announce changes he really out to be making"

I knew I've had a lot to deal with in the relationship department but I never thought that maybe how rubbish I've been feeling about myself and allowing my own personal life to get out of control could maybe be contributing more to relationship problems than I thought?? I am glad that James and I are having this break which has made me realize how much I need to focus on getting ME in order and let James do his own thing. I have been neglecting ME forever and until I can fix ME I'll never be able to give fully to my relationship.

Finally: FEAR...again in my Mondo Beyondo class this wk I was inspired by an interview with the author of the wishing year where they talked about how she (Jen) wrote all her fears on rocks and then dumped them into a stream. It was sooo symbolic of how Fears can weigh us down.

I do feel that Fear has been getting in the way of my life for too long. I know that its impossible to NOT have it, but I let it permeate everything and I have to stop this. Its sucking my energies and my dreams and until I can deal with it better its really preventing me from living my best life.

I also read this week about Fear in the latest O magazine...The issue was on real power (nothing to do with money or posessions) when it comes to women. I read an article by Martha Beck talking about this where she said,

"Real Power is usually unspectacular, a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything."

I want that in my life---the free flow of love. I am determined from this day forward to feel the fear and do it anyway and to never let fear inhibit me from anything again. To start things off right...I decided to do my own fear rocks. I wrote all my fears on rocks and you can see what a big little pile there is:


I then chucked them all into a nearby stream next to our house:


I know this is not the end of my fears but a new beginning...one where I don't let fears inhibit me from being my best self and letting out the real me!

7.9.09

500 days of summer + other things



Really liked this flick I saw over the weekend....made me think about relationships which has been on my mind alot. Loved how they explored how there's two sides to relationships: expectation/reality. The fact Summer said after everything (can't tell you otherwise it would ruin the story) she now didn't have the uncertainty that she did with Tom--really made me think. Sad ending, but glad to see the reality/not glossed over Hollywood endings.

Speaking of relationships....been finding it hard to cope the last few days as James leaves tomorrow for our month apart. Woke up @ 5 am and burst into tears cause I was so overwhelmed with everything. I never asked for this to happen and I'm trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces of my life. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be upset and I should be coping better...yada yada. Screw that...I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I think I've got every reason to be a bit overwhelmed with what's on my plate. I worry too damn much about what people think (that I'm too negative, etc). Why should I care what they think when they don't know me? Tomorrow I'll be positive...right now I'm going to do everything I can to embrace my messy, screwed up life.

4.9.09

Healing Trip

Well, as far as our life is concerned you could say the S*** hit the fan a week or two back. Nine years of avoiding problems just came to a head and we finally said enough. James has been struggling with alcohol abuse off and on for four years and he completely fell off the deep end recently (I've had my own personal issues too to deal with). Relationships are hard enough, but dealing with this and unemployment amongst several other big issues for such a long time have been more than overwhelming to us both. The stresses that we've both dealt with are more than I would wish on anyone. I'm not surprised that James and I have had health issues these last few years either. Its all so inter-related.

Well anyway, James and I have decided to separate. Its only temporary...for one month but its a start. The problem is I have nowhere to go literally and so longer is not realistically feasible. We start next week when James goes off to his parents' for a total of three weeks. I am going away too (more on that closer to the time).

We're hoping that this time apart will be a bit of a healing trip for the both of us so that when we get back together we can either have the strength enough to carry on with building a better relationship or have the courage to part amicably. Whatever we decide we want to be from a place of love and clarity...not resentment or anger. Time apart will give us some space to do just this.

I'm not religious anymore, but I've felt closer to God than I ever have recently. I feel like he's made things possible (like my trip, etc. etc) that could have never happened otherwise. I've felt so cradled and taken care of and that things will be ok. My heart's so full of gratitude right now for this guidance and for the knowledge that this could very well be the start of the journey to finally truly healing my heart.

I want to thank all those who have sent good karma, prayers and thoughts our way these last few weeks. Keep them coming and know that you will be blessed in return.

In the mean time before my trip (again..more on this later), I'm going to spend lots of time of course doing normal day to day things (applications, etc) but try to have a bit of fun too. So of course you'll hear all the juicy, fun details here.

Feeling right now a bit scared, sad...but I know this is all for the best.

Lots of love to you my friends

Christine xoxoxox