"For a very very long time, i did not think i was worth much. My self-esteem was non-existent resulting in life choices that weren't the best. I didn't particularly like myself, so loving myself wasn't even on the radar, and because i couldn't find the love inside i depended on it from outside, from others. And, as we all know, that is the way to almost guaranteed disappointment. I lived with that girl/woman for
So my years of grieving were made all the more painful - and ultimately all the more healing - because, finally, i
I have a lot of time to think and to 'just be' right now. I've been quite angry that things are the way that they are. So much resistance to the what is has taken such a toll on my spirit and my body. I feel exhausted because I've tried so hard for such a VERY VERY long time to make things better and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. In reality, I'm exactly where I need to be at and there's a much grander purpose that I just dont know about
Where Susannah has healed from things, I'm only just beginning. I'm trying to be kinder to myself because I know that the little girl in me has been crying out for that love for far too long. I'm doing things I want to do, having a bit of fun, taking long walks, trying to embrace food, not run from my demons and finally get it through my head I need to love myself. I'm doing the best I can one day at a time as we all are. Some days I can barely function, but its ok. Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and start again. I know that one day I too like Susannah will be looking back at things with a renewed sense of wisdom, beauty and a love for myself for coming through a very long tunnel into the beaming bright light.
Me taken in RAW.