11.3.10

Self Portrait

I read this post today on one of my regular blogs I read, "ink on my fingers" and my eyes got all huge and the hair stood on my back and felt a lump in my throat. I've never read anything so close to what I was feeling at a moment in time in my life. She put it in such a beautiful way what I've been thinking recently.  It describes ME and MY journey (as it so easily could decribe all of us).  I'm quoting her here because she says things better than I could.  I've crossed out some things that only applied to her and inserted my details in where applicable :

"For a very very long time, i did not think i was worth much. My self-esteem was non-existent resulting in life choices that weren't the best. I didn't particularly like myself, so loving myself wasn't even on the radar, and because i couldn't find the love inside i depended on it from outside, from others. And, as we all know, that is the way to almost guaranteed disappointment. I lived with that girl/woman for 32 (34) years and at no point during those years was i her best friend - I was her enemy. i tripped her up at every turn, i berated her in front of others, i apologised for her when she had done nothing wrong, i fed her cigarettes and alcohol (too much  food ) rather than listen to what her heart was saying.


And then something horrific ( lots of little things happened), and my world fell apart. And here's the thing - the life i lost, the one i had stitched around me in the shape i thought i should inhabit, fell away so easily because it was built on nothing. The love was real, my god yes it was, but all the layers of self i had constructed over the years weren't coming from the real me... because i had never given the real me a chance to breathe. I hadn't danced with her, i hadn't asked her what she liked. The real me did not have a voice; the real me was so hidden i didn't think she existed.


So my years of grieving were made all the more painful - and ultimately all the more healing - because, finally, i had  (have) nothing i could  (can) hide behind anymore. I had  (have) to face myself, for the first time ever. I had (have) to learn who i was (am) and make sense of where I was (am) all at the same time, bone by bone, piece by piece. I wouldn't wish that sort of heart-breaking solitude on anyone, and it is certainly not the only way to find your real self. But it's what happened on my path, and now i am so grateful to have had the opportunity to dig inside my self and see if there was  (is) anything of any value. And as it turns out, i didn't (dont) have to do anything more dramatic than sit with myself for a while and just be."

I have a lot of time to think and to 'just be' right now.  I've been quite angry that things are the way that they are.  So much resistance to the what is has taken such a toll on my spirit and my body.  I feel exhausted because I've tried so hard for such a VERY VERY long time to make things better and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. In reality, I'm exactly where I need to be at and there's a much grander purpose that I just dont know about

Where Susannah has healed from things, I'm only just beginning.  I'm trying to be kinder to myself because I know that the little girl in me has been crying out for that love for far too long.  I'm doing things I want to do, having a bit of fun, taking long walks, trying to embrace food,  not run from my demons and finally get it through my head I need to love myself.   I'm doing the best I can one day at a time as we all are.  Some days I can barely function, but its ok. Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and start again.  I know that one day I too like Susannah will be looking back at things with a renewed sense of wisdom, beauty and a love for myself for coming through a very long tunnel into the beaming bright light.  






Me taken in RAW.  

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whoso believeth in God might with asurety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.