My heart has been feeling pretty battered the last few days. I've been facing such dilemma in my life for so long I've run out of energy to do much of anything anymore. I am spending most days in my pj's and many days its just been easier to sleep for hours than to conceptualize my life. When I've rested I then try walking again forward and after what seems like only two steps...it gets too much again and I shut down.
My faith and patience are being pushed in ways that I never knew possible. I'm angry when I see the lives of others. I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but the one thing I want...the ability to provide for myself just hasn't happened. I know that my needs are being taken care of because of James but its not the same....I want financial independence from him. Money isn't happiness but its the foundation of so much. So many possibilities would open for me if I had the financial resources to do it. I know many a person has changed the world without a dime to their name. I don't know maybe I'll end up having to be one of these people...someone who figures out how to create opportunity out of what seems like nothing.
I'm angry as well that so many people closest to me have hurt me so much. I've been trying to help someone dear to me to get healthy for the longest time but whenever I've reached out I've been blamed for the problem, its been put off 'till later in the week' or they just don't want to talk about it. Its like everyone is in denial except myself. I read once that its easier to blame others than take responsibility for yourself. I also know that not only the person who has the problem has to accept the situation, but the friends and family too. They are not to that level yet I guess. I know I can only control myself in the end, but you still want to at least 'try' to do something. Maybe I should stop trying and let this person destroy himself?
Anyway....Its funny how the universe has been sending me little messages of love to help to deal with everything. Most have been coming from the wonderful Jen Lemen:
'It is patience that grows your capacity, and sometimes you have to hold the possibility of a thing for a long, long time before you have the strength or courage to hold the thing itself.'
'Everything is unfolding as it should be'.
She also mentions to write down your worries in the form of wishes or writing down questions you have for the universe/declarations of openness or surrender. I may just have to try this.
That phrase 'Everything is unfolding as it should be' especially hit a chord with me. Whilst my life seems like it is in chaos.....I know in my head (I just wish my heart knew) that everything is in a divine order. There's a purpose to what I'm going through that I cant see. There's a lesson that the universe is teaching me. I pray that I will be open to this 'lesson' and that I will be able to move on from it...healed and even stronger than before. I guess I should be grateful for this time...time to be finally alone with and nurture myself.
I'd be interested in hearing some of the things you all do to be 'kind' to yourself during hard times??