To see the Light

photo via:  another place*

 Today was rough.  I felt really tired and like I just couldn't cope with the day.  It seems like this happens a lot with me.  Yesterday I got discouraged cause I saw how bad my account currently is for the first time in like 6 weeks.  Thank goodness for overdraft limits but it depresses me how long I've been 'below' zero and thinking how long it will take me to get my accounts healthy.  James does what he can to help me financially and my parents have been helping what they can too.  I feel so guilty about this but what else are my options??  I'm grateful that they have helped me.  James could have easily said leave but thank god he hasn't otherwise what else am I to do?

Although I may not list everything I've been trying to do on here to fix things...it doesn't mean it hasn't been happening and I've been magically wishing things will get better on their own.  I do AS much as I can everyday.  I've had a little bit of work the last month (music adjudication) that I've done at home which will get me closer to zero.  Believe me I've been grateful!!!!  I've been searching for support systems and trying to think of ways to creatively make money.  I'm discouraged because I've already exhausted my free support systems (counselling on the NHS, etc) and my only options now are things that 'cost'.  Besides constantly applying for jobs...I've been selling belongings on e-bay and looking into options for starting my own business.  It seems like everything involves some sort of initial 'cost' for the business side (like photography).  I don't own a DSLR camera but I'm looking into trying to sell some of my prints anyway on etsy although I don't own Photoshop either.  The only thing that I haven't tried (believe me I've thought of everything) is writing down everything I've gone through in the last 10 years (good and bad) and trying to sell it as a 'book'.  Its free to at least 'do'.  I'm not sure about how easy it will be to get published, but I'm going to try and see what happens.  It may prove at least healing for me even if no one sees it. Who knows.

I wish the job situation was the only thing I had to deal with right now too. I've had some health issues including the fact I've put on like 20 lbs  in the last few months...and of course.....James.

So....My frustration/overwhelm is palpable.  I could go to the doctors and get anti-depressants but I've been down that path before and it didn't work for me.  My only solution is ME.  I have to find somehow the strength to carry on and fight this and to pull myself out of a very large, deep, painful hole.  

I did manage to watch Oprah today.  My gosh I love her.  Although the episodes were just 'fun' ...I've been thinking a lot about a past episode today where she said that your worst moments are those that are your most holy.  She mentioned how Maya Angelou told her once when she was crying on the other end of the phone to stop and say thank you.  So today I'm going to say thank you for:

- horrible days because they make the good days even better.
- chocolate 
- James bringing me flowers unexpectedly this week.
- Oprah (who I have a secret Mondo Beyondo desire to meet)
- the birds outside early this morning
- photography (I'm taking an unravelling course right now---see sidebar and its changing my life)
- the arts
- Things that make me laugh:  Jon Stewart I love you!!, Dharma and Greg re-runs, etc
- Books
- Weekends
- New days

May you all have a great weekend.




Sydney Shop Girl said...

Hey christine,
Take care and hang in there. There is light with the start of each new day.

SSG xxx

Robin Norgren-Well of Creations said...

peeking in on you from flying lessons... my heart goes out to your situation and I have saying a prayer fo some relief (re-life!) -Robin