I mentioned yesterday that on Friday James and I did a 15 mile run. We're at a very critical point in our running. Its over half-way to the 26.2 miles I'll need to get to come April and its where the running magazines say we need to be to do the marathon safely. Apparently you need to be able to do 15 miles comfortably at least a month prior or you shouldn't be doing it. Maybe there's hope for me to finish this thing after all.
I think the 'comfortable' part is going to be the hard part though. Getting up to this mileage, I'm starting to feel every extra pound on my body that shouldn't be there. The 70 lbs I need to lose aren't coming off easily which concerns me slightly. Its hard enough being obese in a skinny world but its like every ounce is holding on for dear life. My body is making me work for this and I'm finding it painful emotionally and physically.
I know running as a metaphor for life has been written about to death but when you start running long distances....its true what they say that there's potential for you to heal yourself or at least learn a heck of a lot about how you deal with life.
It's called 'the wall'.....its where your body just wont run anymore. You are tired and your body starts feeling pain....but you have to keep running....because you're not done yet and there's a couple miles left. The pain brings out floods of tears....some days its huge feelings of anger out of nowhere....but you keep running. My breathing is fine up to this point....because its all familiar....but then its short and shallow. I'm panicking because I've never gone this far. I don't trust myself that I can do this. My body tenses up and it makes the run harder. I'm resisting every step. I close my eyes briefly and I try to return to my breath. In. Out. In. Out. I say out loud over and over and over.....let it go, let it go, Let it go Christine. I feel my shoulders relaxing and slowly my breath returns to normal and I somehow make it home.
I put up so much resistance in other parts of my life....out of fear of the pain that usually accompanies it. Maybe it I just let go more and more and knew that I could get through to the other side just like I have recently with running. Trusting that the universe will help keep my legs moving through the pain when I feel like I can't do it myself any longer.
I'm starting to see why I'm supposed to do the marathon. Its changing me in ways that I never imagined.