So...My partner checked into a rehab facility about a week ago for alcoholism.  I can't believe it actually happened though because I never thought he'd get help and I never thought we'd find a way to pay for it.  Rehab aint cheap.....£5k a week more like it.  We tried to go through the NHS to get free help but because England has this lovely drinking problem it does the waiting lists are insane or are meant for people who are far less severe than James was.

It was interesting because the thing that was rock bottom for him was the possibility of losing his job he's wanted since he was 10.  Things were starting to affect his work and he job was in jeopardy.  It freaked him out so bad he finally said after 5 yrs of practically drinking himself to death he said enough and begged his parents to pay for his treatment.

Its been hard for me to relax a bit because I've been on my guard for so long and the stress levels have been so insane.  Trying to stop and relax has just made me feel exhausted because all the stress has just stopped and my body isn't used to it.

Part of me is afraid of when he will come back because some friends have tried to scare me and say the chances of him relapsing are pretty high.  I don't want the drunk James back....I want the James that wants to move on with his life and heal no matter what James. 

Since he's been gone this last week I haven't gotten much done TBH except for sleeping.  I can't believe how exhausted I've been.  I think living with an alcoholic and not being able to afford to leave does that to you though.  Part of me has gotten depressed because even despite James not being here, I feel like my life is pretty messed up as it is.  I am trying so hard to earn money for myself and I'm not sure why things haven't been easier in this department.

On a positive note I've been trying to get support.  The Al-Anon family groups are helpful and I'm trying very hard to change my thinking and embrace the positive.   It DOES help when it seems as if you can't change your circumstances to change the inside you. 

I'm hopeful for the future and hoping that this is the first sign of things improving in the long run with everything.


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