7.4.14

Do you hear me?

If you've ever tried to make room for yourself in an addicts head----its an extremely crowded room.  People from their past, the marching band bass drums going BOOM, BOOM, BOOM full of shame and guilt,  nightmares that carry on to day and this big omnipotent voice telling them---YOU MUST DRINK....it leaves little room for your seemingly now little voice.  Occasionally when they sober up you get a few words in but never for long as the addiction is like this upstairs neighbour thats moved in their head and wont get out.   You've let it slipped out that you live with an alcoholic to some friends and either they react in anger (How can you dare put up with all that? Why havent you left the bastard? ) or they start making up more and more excuses for not wanting to meet up with you or ask how you are doing.  Nothing gets you uninvited to parties quicker than finding out your story of what you truly cope with at home.  So you withdraw and you dont tell people---You try to find other ways to get things out and somehow verbalise what's happening to you.  You feel like you are going crazy some days because you are the only one who sees 100% what's happening to this person that was your best friend and partner for 13 yrs.  Even they dont see it all---only maybe 20% if you're lucky because of the blackouts and such.  You tell his family they hit the stages of grief with denial and even your own family can only handle so much.  You tell counsellors and whoever will truly listen but the hour always goes by too quickly and you've got a pot full of boiling water that was only able to get out just a brief moment of steam.   Al anon helps a little but the 3 minute sharing opportunities there are never seem enough. You start wondering if any of this is even real and dont even know where to begin to help yourself or help them.   Some Scentsy friends have told me not to tell anyone what's happened as it will hurt my business----so combined with people who seem to run away you get very fearful about even sharing your story.  People freak out with addiction----they dont know how to handle it and most of the time demonise the addict and say that they are 'Choosing' to destroy their life and the lives around them.  Well after living with a very sick end stage alcoholic I can tell you that I think it depends on the person.  I've read the big book for AA and you hear stories of people just waking up one day and deciding to stop----I dont think that my partner is mentally, physically, emotionally, chemically able to make decisions let alone stopping.  I gave up on trying to help him for the longest time because I was waiting for him to come to that ephiphany on his own.  But then things have progressed to the point that he's been diagnosed as anorexic due to this evil illness.  I was told that help wasnt available on the NHS and the most that he'd get was a two week at home detox which is obviously not great for him. I talked to rehab after rehab and they all said it was rare to get help and that maybe 1-2% of cases get funding to go to detox/rehab.  So was surprised that through begging with social services, his GP amongst numerous other services that I stumbled the local alcohol services who recently told him that they'd be sending him to detox/rehab for 3-6 months fully funded....but maybe he has actually moved now into that 1-2% of cases I dont know.  I wonder sometimes if the help is too late for him but I dont know, its something I cant really think about right now.

So we wait for the paperwork to get sorted----been told he'll be in in one to two weeks but it seems like too far away to be honest.  I'm exhausted with this addiction but have stayed with this weird complicated mess of not having anywhere else to go, not having the means to go and feeling obligated and this huge sense of guilt to stay.  He has NO ONE really and the amount of times I've been here to call an ambulance when he was throwing up pools of blood on Christmas Day or in pain due to pancreatitis or too sick to do anything.  This isnt an ego thing but I've saved this guys life so many countless times.  He told me that he hates me for not letting him die---I dont know maybe I should let him die.  I'm not sure whether a 6 month rehab will save him at this point but I know he deserves to live even if he doesnt have the money to pay.   This whole thing is between him and God at this point really.

Whilst he's gone I need to figure out how to fix ME and this whole job thing that I've been coping with for far too long.  The addiction by itself is overwhelming but adding unemployment to this......no wonder some days I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks.

I've had to just completely let all of this go to God and figure out how to not let this experience damage me but to use it to help and serve others which is why I think I'll be writing here more about everything and screw whether this ends up scaring people away.   You start to wonder if this will last forever and why on earth that you have had to cope with so much...but there's always someone out there who has had it worse---always.

Anyway.........I know this may seem like I'm waffling on.

2 comments:

Amanda Kocz said...

Christine, for some reason I only just read this. I'm so sorry to hear the extent of what you both are going through. Thank you so much for looking after him, and I hope you are able to find some way for yourself to be looked after too. What can I do to help? Amanda (from the Encounter trip).

A.Georgopoulos said...

Wow. That's heartbreaking. My husband is a drinker and I don't like it. It isn't the same as what you go through but we haven't been married long. I pray it doesn't get worse for him and I pray your husband gets better. I don't feel so alone after reading this thank you.